Friday Five: Gray-ing

I refuse to put a picture from the movie in this entry so instead enjoy this photo of a cute Corgi puppy.

“It sucked. It started off crappy, got more crap-tacular, turned shitty then got fucking shitty and ended. That’s what I thought of The Gray.” (Me to friends this evening.)

I try to keep this space positive. I really do. I’m a big perpetrator of putting good into the world, even if this a blog that only, like, four of my friends read. Every once in a while though this girl’s gotta bitch. And so this week’s Friday Five is dedicated to The Gray–one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Here are five reasons why I want my $5 back:

• Liam Neeson lets me down. He’s been a Jedi, a doctor, an action hero, a lion*, and a hero to Holocaust Jews.  Yet in this movie? He can barely muster the strength to do more than grimace or spout off bad poetry. His acting skills do not bode well in wintry conditions. I kept thinking “it’s Liam Neeson–this has to get better. There has to be hope.” But no. That’s not the case.  Which brings me to my next point…
• There is no hope. The movie starts off in a dark place and just goes downhill from there. I kept hoping that there would be glimmers of good or that he’d catch a break right up until the end, where it just stops without any real resolution. I felt emotionally exhausted from hoping for something good to happen. There is nothing hopeful or positive about this movie.
• It’s essentially color-less. It takes place in the Alaska wild so the colors you see throughout the movie are black, white, gray, brown and red from blood. That’s really about it. It was not so dazzling.
• Commercials lie. I thought the movie was going to be Liam Neeson versus a bunch of wolves. That sounds badass. I had no idea there’d be more characters in the flick. There are. Spoiler alert: nothing good happens to them.
• It’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. And that’s what’s the most annoying and shitty thing of all. I wasted two hours of my life watching something that I’ve found no true value in. So in order to regain part of it, I’m letting all my frustration out in this entry in hopes that I can save someone the time and money from it.

* He’s the voice of Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia. Thank you, IMDB, for that information. I don’t think I knew that.

2012 Review: January

In order to keep track of what I’m watching/listening to/reading and the memorable moments of my life, I’ve decided to do a review of each month of the year. Here’s what was note-worthy in January:

Music:

• Florence and the Machine (both discs): while I’ve seen Florence in concert (opening for U2) and heard a lot of the songs via movies and the radio, I never listened to any of the CDs. I got my hands on both discs and rocked out to them while doing a lot of paperwork for my job. I find Florence’s voice soothing and I like the lyrics and the meaning I found from listening deeper. Somehow the music both relaxed and energized me while working. I’ll be listening for a long time to come.
• Scissor Sisters: Night Work: I’ve enjoyed the Sisters for a few years now. Their dance songs are upbeat and unique and never fail to make me happy.Night Work is a great disc, albeit NOT one to rock out to in the office as the lyrics are naughty (in the best of ways). If I ever went out at night, this would be the CD to listen to.

Books:

• MWF Seeks BFF by Rachel Bertsche: Another frothy book in the memoir category, the book follows the writer as she tries to find a new best friend after relocating to Chicago to start her married life. She decides to go on a “friend date” a week to find a local best friend since her other BFFs are around the country. (Girl, can I relate!) The book feels whiny at points, but is overall a fun and mostly engaging read. Borrow it from the library or a friend as it’s not worth the $12 I paid for it at Target.
• Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch: I’m all about biographies written by comediennes right now. While it’s not as funny as the books by Tina Fey or Mindy Kaling, this one is charming because of the random-ness of Jane’s life. She’s overcome some serious shit, but she never takes on a “whoa is me” attitude, which  is really refreshing after all the non-fiction books I’ve read in my life. I have a feeling that listening to this as an audiobook would be even better since Jane is relate-able and hilarious.
• Eat Mangoes Naked by Sark: A creative, self-help book, I really enjoyed this. The hardest part of this is the font as it looks like it’s hand-written and some of her words can be difficult to decipher. (I’m sure if I had a font in my hand writing maybe 0.08% of the population could really read it.) There were some good reflective exercises and food for thought in here.

TV and Movies:

• Party Down: a short-lived series on Showtime, I got into the show via Netflix because it’s produced by Paul Rudd and stars Adam Scott (AKA: two of my major crushes). A documentary satire, it follows a catering company on different gigs around LA and is pretty engaging. Jane Lynch also stars and is one of the best parts of the show since she’s not playing a sarcastic, mean or crazy character for once in her career. It’s worth checking out if you like The Office or Parks & Recreation as the humor is done in the same way.
• Portlandia: my boyfriend and I became obsessed with this after a marathon of the first season ran on IFC. LOVE THIS SHOW. It hits a little close to home since I see parts of the liberal hippy characters in myself, but overall I think it’s brilliant. I can’t wait to watch season 2!
• 50/50: this is really the only note-worthy movie I watched all month. The commercials make it sound much more like a buddy comedy than it really is, as Seth Rogen’s character is really secondary to Joseph Gordon Levitt’s cancer-stricken lead. It was hilarious at parts and heart-tugging at others. I really enjoyed it, but hated the romantic plotline because in real life? THAT COULDN’T HAPPEN. (Not if the woman wanted to pursue a career in the field she’s studying, that is.)

Moments:

• Ringing in 2012 with my boyfriend. It was a gift to be able to spend quality time with him for a week and a half. We cuddled lots and cooked for each other. It was blissful. I came back to work relaxed and incredibly content.
• Skype dates with friends–the newest wonder in my world. Especially when they involve wine and/or other adult beverages.
• I’m growing and diversifying as a professional and a writer. I was finally able to combine my two loves as I’ve begun blogging for the Student Affairs Collaborative, which is a dream that’s two years in the making. I’m so proud of me for making this happen!
• I also got invited to speak in my first class about Disney movies and their anti-feminist messages. The lecture will take place in March. The freaking out began after the invitation in mid-January.
• Operation: Budget Smackdown began and is under way. I’m not buying nearly as many extras and non-essentials and I have curbed my eating-out habit. Saving isn’t easy, but I am focused on my future!

A Day for Love

Today is not about overpriced flowers or cheap chocolates. It is not a day for tacky jewelry (Jane Seymour, I’m looking at you and those cheesy open hearted pendants you hock) or glittery cards with sticky sweet sentiments. It’s not a holiday that’s meant to be spent at a crowded restaurant or in a theater watching the latest badly written romantic comedy. And it’s definitely not a day intentionally aimed at making people feel bad for not being coupled up….or at least it shouldn’t be.

I am sick of the commercialization behind well-intentioned holidays. It’s bad enough that I can shop for Christmas decorations as I’m getting back-to-school supplies. I think we deserve to live in the moment and focus on what holidays truly mean. And so for me? I’m recapturing Valentine’s Day.

I adored V-Day as a girl: making a “mailbox” for all of the cards from classmates, fun heart-shaped decorations adorning the classroom,  picking out just the right cards for my friends, and getting lost in the aisles of pink and red in K-Mart. I loved it. And deep down, I still do. But somewhere along the way, I began to loathe the Day of Love. I stopped enjoying the cute little cartoonish cards and I sneered at flower displays because I knew that I wouldn’t be enjoying it as much as I could because of one simple fact: I was a single woman. All through high school and college I navigated Valentine’s Day without a partner and felt low every February 14th. It’s really hard to celebrate a fun holiday when it’s only focus is on romantic (and for the most part heterosexual) love. I couldn’t relate to romantic comedies and jewelry commercials because I didn’t have a partner. Even as I did shots with friends and sang bad karaoke songs (I’m so sorry “I Will Always Love You” for I butchered you in the worse way possible one V-Day), I couldn’t shake the fact that this day would be so much better with a boyfriend.

And then I got a boyfriend. And Valentine’s Day still sucked because he gave me cheap chocolate and tacky lingerie because he felt like he needed to; it felt inauthentic. Holding the chintzy camisole (with fur!!) (I can’t make that up), I began to wonder if Valentine’s Day is just an over-hyped holiday for everyone, coupled up or not.

Last year, in limbo and agonizing over whether I was still in a relationship or not, I decided to practically buy out the Valentine’s card section in Hallmark. I sent cards to everyone I loved and burned through a book and a half of stamps expressing my sentiments to my friends and family. My heart may have been breaking, but I felt good expressing my love to the people who still mattered to me.

It is with that sentiment, that I am recapturing Valentine’s Day for the second year in a row. The Day for Love isn’t about flowers or expensive dinners or heart-shaped jewelry (or whatever the hell shape that Jane Seymour crap is). My February 14th is a day for pure gratitude to the people who have shown me what love really is over the years. It’s inside jokes and hours spent on the phone together. It’s mixing uber-pink drinks on V-Day and then annihilating bad love songs at dive bars. It’s giving me the strength to end a bad relationship. It’s road trips and cross-country adventures and reunions that we make a priority despite crazy schedules and lives. It’s reminding me that I’m worth all of the love in the world and believing that I’ll write my own fabulous fairy tale when I don’t believe it for myself. It’s cheering me on throughout hard classes and finals and entire semesters of school. It’s random cards in the mail and Skype dates and silly texts that say that someone is thinking of me. It’s sitting with me in the courthouse when I’ve pressed charges after the attack. It’s bear hugs and Snuggie dances and nights spent finding the bottom of wine bottles while laughing until our stomachs hurt.  It’s helping each other to be genuine and real. It’s support for my unconventional relationship and happiness because I’ve found a profound love that I can call my own. It’s challenging each other to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. It’s reading this blog and encouraging me to follow my heart (and hopefully someday buying my books).

Today I celebrate everyone I love because I have an abundance of it in my life. I’m truly blessed and my journey would be profoundly different without the memories shared and lessons learned from my friends and family. February 14th is about the love I share with and have for them. Today I celebrate love in all forms. Today, I recapture Valentine’s Day.

Sunday School: the Self-Care Edition

I’ve just finished watching The Grammy’s and having an epic, hours-long text-fest with my dear friend, Karen. My head is aching from attempting to wrap itself around the hot mess of the Nicki Minaj performance and also from looking at my iPhone for far too long. So let’s just jump right into this week’s lessons, shall we?

• Not really a lesson, but a reiteration. Adele fucking rocks. Not only did she look amazing and perform beautifully, but she is seriously a shining star for my generation who I hope will continue to produce timeless music for many decades to come. (Also I’m going to copy her makeup look all this coming week. Because it’s that gorgeous.) (Also squared: I want her second gown–the tea-length, glitter-and-lace number. It was lovely and totally up my alley.)
• No matter how much my boyfriend educates me about them, the Beach Boys will always remind me of Full House and John Stamos. When they reunited tonight my first thought was “where’s Uncle Jesse?!?” I am a Full House fan for life!
• I missed blogging. The Word Press site wasn’t working and I couldn’t access it from my laptop for nearly two weeks. I tried nightly because I wanted to write but it wouldn’t load and it pissed me off SO MUCH! EXCLAMATION POINTS OF FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!! But it’s working again (obviously) and I can again impact the world with my voice. I was so happy when the site first loaded on Friday that I almost cried. I’m such a sensitive artist type.
• I have too many clothes. I ripped through my closet a couple of weeks ago and put a bunch of old tops and pants in a bag to take to a consignment shop. Then today I was cleaning and realized I had no more hangers to hang blouses, so I went through it again and then tore through a couple of dresser drawers and found more things to give away. My new clothing train of thought is this: if I don’t absolutely adore it, I must give it another life by allowing another to love it and utilize it. It makes it a lot easier to part with pretty blouses I barely wear when I think that they can be going to a woman who needs new work shirts or is looking to amp up her wardrobe a bit.
• Again, not really a lesson, but…RIP, Whitney Houston. Growing up, I remember my mom complaining about her music because she thought Whitney screamed and screeched too much. I thought her voice was loud and powerful–it scared and inspired me. I was sad when she fell into a drug habit and mourned how far she fell with her reality show and all the subsequent jokes that were made about her life. I truly thought she was poised for an epic comeback that would allow her to be at the top of her game for a good couple of decades. I wanted her to overcome her issues. I, like the rest of the world, was stunned to hear the news of her death Saturday night. Her music impacted my life and my voice and I’m grateful for her talent. I’ll be saddened by her passing for a little while.
• I have a new theme for my overwhelming life: self-care. I am really caught up in my job and my relationships (work and personal) and some other details of life. One thing I’m not focusing on AT ALL is my own needs. My friend Ashley blogged about how she’s attempting to focus more on her own self-care; as I read about her journey it dawned on me that I don’t really do that for myself. I go through the motions of my day in order to merely exist. I haven’t been cultivating a relationship with myself or doing anything that’s strictly for me. And it’s been this way for a while. It needs to stop because I’m at a point where I’m tearing up at the most minor of things and I’m not able to use my voice to the best of my ability. I’m feeling insecure and scared and stressed and the only times I’m truly happy are when I’m talking to my boyfriend or connecting with friends. I think intentionally taking the time for myself is necessary and has just not been a priority. Starting now it becomes a priority–I am a priority in my own life and I am now taking steps to reignite my inner flame by cultivating and nurturing a relationship with myself.

That last lesson sounds really self-helpy and Life Coach-ish. And you know what? I don’t care. Because every word of it is authentic to me because I find myself becoming more of a nurturing coach-y kind of person and professional with each passing day. And I like who I’m becoming in that aspect. Hey! This whole self-care thing is working already! Hurray!

Disa-Vowed

Like most women in America, I had a gut reaction to the commercials for the new movie, The Vow. Come ON–it has Channing Tatum in a role that promises to have some no-shirt time and Rachel McAdams of Notebook (aka the chick flick sob-fest for my generation) fame as his partner who loses all memories of her husband after a car accident. There was no way this wasn’t going to be a major sob-fest. I nearly bawled watching the trailer for crying out loud! (I promise, that wasn’t meant to be a pun.)

I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed by the actual movie. While it was moving and well-acted, to me it didn’t live up to the three-hankies-needed hype the commercials promised. To me, it wasn’t so much about the relationship between a husband and his wife as much as it is really about a woman’s journey to figure out who she is when she can’t remember the last five (very crucial) years of her life. She wakes up and thinks she’s engaged to someone else and still in law school. In reality, she’s dumped her fiance’, realized law school wasn’t for her, moved into the city and is exploring her life as an artist with her new husband. The movie is much more about who she thinks she is and discovering that the parts of her she lost are still seeds in her soul that begin to eventually come out with time. The movie was much more inspiring to me because of this plot-line. The Vow isn’t a romance–it’s a compelling  shero’s journey story.

This movie provides excellent food for thought. What would happen if you could suddenly no longer remember the last five years of your life? What if you woke up thinking that you were in an entirely different world than you really are?

Here are the highlights of what’s happened in my life in the past five years:

• Quit my stable job to attend grad school.
• Devoted two solid years of my life to studying Student Affairs at MSU.
• Ended an abusive relationship after an agonizing attack.
• Graduated with my Master’s Degree.
• Moved from Michigan to Minnesota for a new job.
• Grew as a professional and person thanks to working a private, liberal arts school where I received more of an education than the students.
• Began and cultivated a relationship with the man who is the Love of My Life.
• Traveled abroad to Scotland, England and Russia, resulting in much personal growth.

All of that would be lost if I suffered from memory loss like Paige did in The Vow. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t go through all of those things. I’d wake up and think I was still dating my ex-boyfriend and all of my professional growth (and the opportunities that came with it) would have vanished. Five years ago, I was completely unhappy with where I was in life, which is what prompted me to explore grad school as an option for my life. I needed to follow my heart because at time in my life–I wasn’t. I was floundering and unsure of who I was. Five years ago, I was a shell of a woman, without much direction or any idea of who I really was. I assumed that life was as good as it’d get with my boyfriend and while I wasn’t entirely happy, I didn’t think I’d do much better. I didn’t realize that I deserved better in all areas of my life. It wasn’t until I started nurturing a relationship with myself while at MSU that I began to understand what I deserved and was truly capable of. Five years ago, I had no idea what I could do.

If I woke up thinking that I was 24 and floundering I’d beg the doctors to re-induce my coma and let me die while under. I can’t imagine who I’d be today without everything that’s developed in my life–particularly in the past half-decade. The last five years have been a stressful, frustrating, painful, fantastical, beautiful and the most joyous and growth-filled of my life. I’m content and grateful for the world I’ve helped to cultivate with those I love. To state the obvious, I wouldn’t be who I am today without all of the events of my past, but that’s really true of the later part of my 20s. I feel a whole new sense of wonder and gratitude for my life after seeing The Vow. That alone is worth the money I paid for the movie ticket.

Sunday School: The Finding The Good Edition

This week has been interesting. For the past few days I’ve been on a high because of some very good things, but tonight I find myself in a funk, tearing up and getting crabby for the tiniest (and one kind of big) reason. I have no real explanation except that duty may be taking its toll on me. Holding the phone and knowing I’ll have to respond at any moment can be wearing. My immune system has taken a bit of a beating and I have dark(er) circles under my eyes due to this week. But I’m determined to find the good because that’s what I do. It’s who I am. Here’s what I’ve learned over the course of this week:

• Keep your friends close and your hair stylist closer. Being friends with the woman who owns the salon I go to is very very valuable. My friend called me this week in need of a color model. I basically got a very good, very expensive Aveda hair coloring for free because I help spread the gospel of this amazing salon. So now I’m a redhead again and I’ve saved some money I’d squirreled away for highlights. My hair, heart and wallet are all very satisfied right now.
• There is no high like being published. On Friday, the first blog post I submitted to the SA Collaborative Blog (Google it) was approved and went live. I’ve wanted to write for this site for nearly two years, so being accepted as a contributor is a big deal. That same day, the article I submitted to a regional Res-Life magazine was published for all Midwestern Res-Lifers to behold. Seeing my words in black and white and my name in a by-line is a high that will never get old. I’m so proud of myself right now!
• A lesson learned again and again–long-distance relationships are hard. Tonight I came to a rough realization that I may not get to see my boyfriend at all this semester due to schedules and tight budgets. While the budget smack-down is necessary because I need to save for my future, it really hurts knowing that we likely won’t be spending our anniversary together. Prioritizing in this way is in no way easy–my heart hurts right now. (And I really wish I could win the lottery or find a wealthy benefactor willing to happily donate some cash to a long-distance couple hellbent on making it work.)
• I feel important when I have a planner. I’m not using it for work-related things–that’s what Outlook is for. Instead I invested in a lovely girly planner to plan out Skype dates and get me on-track with my writing.  It’s my Life Planner and it’ll help get me (and keep me) organized. A visual reminder will help me to take time for myself, which I need at this point in my life.
• Two more recipes were learned this week: crunchy French toast sticks and a KP spin on the Patty Melt. Both were delicious and now I’m feeling all sorts of chef-like because I conquered diner foods.
• I’m magical. No, seriously. At least four different times this week I’ve thought of something and then it’s happened or come into my life no more than 24 hours later, whether it was a song playing on the radio an hour after I thought of it, a random TLC series I thought was done for (Strange Sex is now airing on OWN and it is awesome) or news that I needed/wanted to hear coming through…I’m magical. As New Age-y as it sounds, The Secret is real and working in my life (even if I’m not consciously practicing its principles because I’m not).

This week has been a roller coaster. Some huge highs were set off by some lows–it’s life. But I’m determined to see the good despite the challenges I’ve mentioned. Though I might not be able to see my boyfriend on our anniversary I know that the distance is ultimately strengthening our relationship–if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. I truly believe that. Just like I truly believe that life is wonderful, despite the stresses of work and the random bouts of fear that sometimes plague my life. I just need to keep my head up and find the good. Keeping some of these lessons in mind is a good way to start.

Friday Five: 2012 Edition

Though the we’re well into the new year, I’ve been a bit slow on the uptake with keeping up with traditions and following through on some things, like blog posts. This is partially because I spent the first week of 2012 relaxing and cuddling/kissing  my boyfriend as much as possible and partially because I wanted to reevaluate what I wanted to do this year. This is why my resolutions blog post came in time for the Chinese New Year and, uh, not the calendar one. It’s also why it’s taken a bit to write my first Sunday School and Friday Five posts. That and my life has been utterly busy this month and I haven’t been intentional about how I spend my time.  What can I say–I’m a work in progress.

Since this is the first official FF post of the year, I bring to you two lists. Because I’m in a list-y kind of mood.

Five Things You Will Always Find in My Kitchen…Even If They May Seem Weird To Some People

• Teriyaki sauce. I would teriyaki the fuck out of everything if I could. I absolutely adore this flavoring. It’s the reason I stir fry so much. I also add it to burgers and steaks and use it as a dipping sauce for french fries when I run out of ketchup.
• Sweet potatoes. I love them so SO much. In every form. Yum.
• Coconut milk. Right? It’s odd. But it’s good and refreshing and for some reason I drink it just enough to usually have a can in my fridge.
• Lady Grey Tea. My absolute favorite. It’s not as strong as Earl Grey and is good with some sugar or with a bit of milk or cream. It’s perfect for rainy afternoons or a strong-ish morning wake up as I’m writing before work.
• Raisins and Spice oatmeal. It sounds like such a grandpa purchase, but I was sad when they took it off the market for a while, so now that it’s back I practically hoard it. I cleaned my cupboards out last weekend and found I had nearly three boxes of it because I get excited every time I see it in stores.
• Bonus item: Trenary Toast. If you’re not a Yooper you won’t know what this is but it’s delicious and so much better than biscotti or real toast in the morning. My heart cries when I don’t have any in the house so I make my mom send me packages of it since you can only find it in the UP. LOVE IT SO MUCH!

Five Things Rocking My World Right Now

• Aveda hair coloring. I adore my stylist and her incredible Aveda salon. I’m officially a redhead again thanks to her and her wondrous colorings and coworkers. (And for free! Because it pays to be friends with people who own places! Yay reciprocity!)
• This pina colada candle I got on super-clearance at Bed, Bath and Beyond. It smells like an island. I don’t even need to light it. I put it near my heater and it emits it’s lovely coconut-y scent. Yum.
• Red lipstick. Because I feel like I can kick ass and save the world every time I wear it.
• Vintage-esque button earrings. They’re a nice alternative to the dangly earrings I usually wear and I feel classy whenever I wear them. I need some class in my life.
• Glee. Because it’s finally finding its stride…ten episodes in. Mr. Schu’s proposal was incredibly touching, the Michael Jackson episode should be incredible and I like the story lines they’re setting up. Keep it up, Glee writers!

Sunday School: The Skype Me Edition

I normally like Sunday nights. It’s a chance to relax, unwind, catch some interesting (or bad) reality TV and reflect on the week I’ve had. Tonight, though, I found myself being all sorts of whiny about tomorrow being Monday. I felt like I was back in college, dreading my 8 am class the next morning, trying to hold on to as much of the remaining weekend as possible because it was so damn fun. Because that’s how this weekend was–all sorts of fun. It was perfect in its own little, quirky ways. And it taught me a lot.

• The main lesson of this past week? I. Love. Skype. How can I not? I’ve had three Skype dates in the past three days with three amazing people. It’s so good to catch up with old friends, reminisce about our shared glory days and reconnect. It’s also amazing to see the face of the person I love and be able to have heart-to-heart conversations while looking him in the eye.
• I want more Skype dates. So if you’re reading this and you’re my friend and you have Skype, holla at me because seriously I adore this whole Skype date thing.
• Also good to do while Skyping? Drink. But only in a sippy cup. Because if you’re as clumsy as me, at some point during the conversation you’ll be giggling and tipsy and be holding your glass and it may somehow fall from your grasp. Sippy cups are good insurance if this is the case. Trust me on this.
• My friend and I found the ugliest ring in the history of ever while Skyping.  It’s called “D Best” but really it should be called “D Worst. D Worst Ever.” because I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ugly engagement ring in my entire existence. (There are a lot of really bad rings on that site–if you have some time and want to be entertained peruse that whole section. Trust me.)
• Speaking of ugly, something I can’t wrap my mind around is this suit I saw. It was brown with blue stitching and pin striping on it. I’m not against the brown and blue combination…when it’s for baby showers. But if it’s a combination for a suit? No. For the hell of it, I tried it on. I looked like a giant brown turd–with blue accents! Somehow I don’t think this would get me or anyone else a job….
• Target is a giant sucking money hole. A lovely, shiny, wonderful sucking money hole but still–a money hole nonetheless. I was careful when I went in there and still I ended up spending more than I wanted on stuff I needed. I was being frugal! I’m militant about my budget smack-down! And yet? They got more than I wanted to give. Am I going to need to swear off Target in order to stay on-budget? That’d be awful.
• This whole living-on-a-tight-budget thing is starting to get on my nerves. I’m not going to stop, but it’s rough. I didn’t realize how much I spent on really silly frivolous things until I put myself on a budget and set some strict guidelines for myself. In the long-run this will be so good for me, but until I get used to living more frugally, it’s going to be tough. I just have to keep my mind on the future. KP: future focused! Hopefully soon it will begin to feel good instead of like my soul is crying because I won’t buy a new book or cute necklace.
• Sunday nights = not a good night to call old friends. I always thought most people spend the night kicking back with the Kardashians and/or catching up with people they love. Apparently I’m wrong. I have approximately 923048 people I need to call back and none of the ones I called tonight could talk.  Perhaps I need to rethink my weekend routine. Except for Skype. Because weekend Skyping is the shit and I love it so very much. I don’t think that’ll change for a while.

Making it Shine

2012 is going to be one hell of a year. I can just feel it. I hesitate to call it the Year of KP because the last time I did that I had some good things happen (I traveled to London and graduated from NMU) but then some bad things happened (I took a job that was a horrific fit, got depressed, gained an ulcer and lost some hair, quit then ended up barely making ends meet by being a retail girl). So I won’t proclaim this year as my year. But I’ll be damned if I won’t make it my year…unofficially at least.

Not only do I want to take on challenges ala Gaga, but I have a couple of fun goals I’d like to accomplish:

• Celebrate my birthday (or some approximation therein) at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
• See Lady Gaga in concert

I’ve given a lot of thought to what else I want to take on this year, though. I’m acutely aware of how much my life could change this year and the thought both excites and terrifies me. But being on the verge of 30, I recognize that I need to put on my big girl shoes (which are sparkly and give me some good height, of course) and take on this year and all that comes with it. So instead of making any resolutions past “Gaga”, I’ve decided to put in place some markers to help me write the story of my life this year.

• Intentionality: this will be my reoccurring theme reminding me to be present, enjoy the moment and to truly make decisions based on not just my heart but my head. It will also serve me well to focus and follow through, which–I admit–I have some issues with doing at times.
• Creativity: a driving force in my life that helps me to express myself. I’ll write in some way at least 2 to 3 times a week, finish any projects that are born in my mind (and that I have supplies for), try at least one new recipe a week and discover at least one new musical artist and movie each month.
• Love: where would I be without this in all it’s wondrous forms? I want the people in my life to know how much I value them, so weekly phone dates with old friends, movie nights/coffee dates/shopping trips with close friends and as much time as possible with my partner are vital to nourishing my heart and connections. I don’t ever want to take the people I love for granted.
• Health: not the highest priority on my list, but it needs to be. Less TV and more books. More water and less caffeine and sugar. Time just for me to relax (which could be the hardest goal to achieve given my line of work) on a daily basis. Less time staring at screens and more time engaging in the world. Move. My. Butt. All of these things are necessary for me to feel like a more healthy person.
• Money: two words: budget smackdown. No more eating out. No more unnecessary trips to Target or clicking sprees on Amazon. This will hopefully lead to a fatter savings account. I need to save for my future and not just indulge (too much) in the present. The peace of mind this will bring is better than any sparkly thing I could buy at Kohls.
• Attitude: in times of ambiguity I turn from a fabulous, sparkling woman into an insecure, teary little girl. Fear will not rule my life this year. I refuse to let it. I have so much good in my life and I have so much good to give. If I sparkle, my life will reflect that and negativity will be deflected. So fuck off, fear–I’m going to shine. I just know it.

I now interrupt the silence for this lovely post…

I really, really, really, really need to remember that when it comes to things I really want, I am truly the only thing standing in my own way.

So fear? Shut the fuck up. Because I’m not listening to you anymore.

And doubt? The door is that way so get out.

I’m tired of being a prisoner for my doubts and fears. I’m almost 30 years old. And I’m fucking fabulous. I can do anything I put my mind to.

And that starts with vanquishing the negative.

Bring it, 2012.