Leap of Faith

Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we’ll do everything we can to get you back….so, well, I took it.

Ross: That’s great! So you’re staying in New York!…You’re excited, right?

Rachel: (hesitant) Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money’s great. It’s certainly the easier choice…Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely… but you know, this is… it’s fine. I’m fine going back to a job where I’ve pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can…

Ross: I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Umm, I mean, you said you were scared.

Rachel: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or umm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared… But this is… fine..

~ ~ ~

Leap Year comes around once every four years. For the life of me I can’t remember what I’ve done in years past on February 29th. But because I’m going through an interesting period of reflection and growth in my life, I decided that this Leap Day would be one that is both terrifying and poetic.

So today I put in my letter of resignation.

It’s been something that’s been on my mind for a while. It’s nothing that will come as a surprise to my supervisor or my close work colleagues or friends. I’m not in a job where one stays for decades at a time. Live-in positions are, at their best, transitory in their stability–they’re there to give people a foot in the door, some great professional growth and a lot of great anecdotes and stories along the way. Right now, I’m in year 3 at my first post-grad school position. I’ve had some amazing times and grown a lot. But it’s time for me to move on.

It’s painful to admit this as I’ve grown to love the community and the friends I’ve made in the division. I’m finally making a name for myself within the school and I’m not afraid to use my voice and take advantage of opportunities. I have a strong staff and I’m cultivating quite a few mentor-mentee relationships with students at the moment.

And yet.

There are days when I want to scream out of frustration. There are moments when I’ve questioned my sanity in my career choice. There have been times when I’ve called my boyfriend or a friend crying and shaking because of the stress that being in my position can bring.

It’s time to move on.

I feel blessed because I’m excited about the path that will be opening because of this resignation. I’ll end the year and say my goodbyes. And then I’ll follow my heart.

I’ll follow my heart. Staying true to myself and doing this is singularly the most thrilling and terrifying thing that I can do. While innately I know that everything will end fabulously, getting to that point–through the murk and ambiguity and stress and doubt–is going to be a hard road. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m practically paralyzed with fear. But writing the letter today was the right thing to do. It’s time for a new chapter, for new growth and new experiences. It’s time to explore another path.

The Friends quote at the beginning of the entry was from an episode that happened to be on this afternoon as I was taking a break. I teared up when I heard Rachel talking about her new opportunity in Paris and how scared-yet-excited she was about it because that’s exactly where I am right now. There couldn’t have been any clearer of a sign from The Universe. I did the right thing this Leap Day. I took a huge leap of faith. While I may not end up in Paris like Ms. Green did (or–ultimately–didn’t because of love), I know that as long as I keep listening to my heart and feeling support from my friends (and The Universe!) I’ll be fine.

Sunday School: the Oscar Letdown Edition

So…the Oscars. They happened. And I was bored. Maybe I have a jaded view of them this year, but I wasn’t surprised at all by any of the winners. Come on–when there’s a unique non-Talkie movie and Meryl Streep nominated there are going to be some no-brain winners. That being said, hurray to Octavia Spencer for her win (well-deserved) and to Tina Fey who outshined nearly everyone else on the red carpet. Moving on to my lessons of the week…

• The Oscars are only fun to watch with friends. Because then you can talk over the boring parts and quote movies and have drinking games…kind of like how the Bridesmaids women were doing on-stage during their award presentation. THAT’S what’s fun about the Oscars. Fellowship and liquor. Oh yes. (Also? That was awesome when Melissa McCarthy produced a tiny bottle of vodka from her cleavage.)
• Ok, one more thing about the Oscars: Cirque du Soleil! Dude! AMAZING!!! Their five minutes were the best five minutes of the entire broadcast and I was riveted the entire time. I love Cirque and every time I see a performance my jaw drops and I can’t breathe because I’m so captivated by the sheer artistry, athleticism and beauty of every performer. I want to see every Cirque show. Ever. I’m not joking. The ticket money would be an investment in inspiration and I’d be one broke yet inspired writer after that. Oh yes.
• February is a harsh month in my field. I spent 24 hours interviewing students last week and another 12 hours reviewing applications. And I know that this is not uncommon in my field when looking for student workers. Tis the season for interviews and tis a hard, harsh season indeed. I still haven’t recaptured all the sleep I lost from the stress of it all. Which brings me to my next point…
• Spring Break cannot come fast enough. Five more days of work…five more days of work…five…more…days…
• I love my students. A lot of people got really good news this past week and I got to celebrate it with them via shrieky voicemails, hilarious thank you emails and many hugs and squeals. The giddiness and delight of my students makes all of the hard work and tired moments totally worth it.
• I want a fun stage name. There’s a contestant on The Voice named Charlotte Sometimes. I think that’s so whimsical and lovely! I want a name like that. To compensate for having such a normal name, I began calling myself Krissy Delovely on Pinterest and Good Reads. It makes me happy. So that can be my whimsical alter-ego for now.
• If I tell you that I’m spending the weekend “writing” what that really means it that I’ll spend it sprawled out on my couch watching really bad movies while intermittently napping. That wasn’t the goal of this weekend–seriously pounding out some pieces for a project was the main intent. However, my very comfy couch and my very tired self decided to over-ride my intentions. Maybe I’ll write over Spring Break?
• Oh who am I kidding? The last half of Spring Break will be spent in Arizona at a conference and I. Cannot. WAIT! It’s going to be awesome. I am counting down the days to that as well.
• In the great battle of Krissy vs. Fear, it’s an uphill one–of that I am certain. I have days where I’m totally geeked for everything before me and then there are days when I’m completely terrified of what’ll happen when I don’t have a security blanket anymore. The days where I have no faith slightly outnumber the days when I feel I can conquer the world and it pains me to admit that. I wish I knew how to live fearlessly…or at least pretend that I was. I will not give up, though–I know that with time and patience and support things will turn out splendidly. I just need to learn to ride out the waves of insecurity and sheer panic.

Friday Five: Gray-ing

I refuse to put a picture from the movie in this entry so instead enjoy this photo of a cute Corgi puppy.

“It sucked. It started off crappy, got more crap-tacular, turned shitty then got fucking shitty and ended. That’s what I thought of The Gray.” (Me to friends this evening.)

I try to keep this space positive. I really do. I’m a big perpetrator of putting good into the world, even if this a blog that only, like, four of my friends read. Every once in a while though this girl’s gotta bitch. And so this week’s Friday Five is dedicated to The Gray–one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Here are five reasons why I want my $5 back:

• Liam Neeson lets me down. He’s been a Jedi, a doctor, an action hero, a lion*, and a hero to Holocaust Jews.  Yet in this movie? He can barely muster the strength to do more than grimace or spout off bad poetry. His acting skills do not bode well in wintry conditions. I kept thinking “it’s Liam Neeson–this has to get better. There has to be hope.” But no. That’s not the case.  Which brings me to my next point…
• There is no hope. The movie starts off in a dark place and just goes downhill from there. I kept hoping that there would be glimmers of good or that he’d catch a break right up until the end, where it just stops without any real resolution. I felt emotionally exhausted from hoping for something good to happen. There is nothing hopeful or positive about this movie.
• It’s essentially color-less. It takes place in the Alaska wild so the colors you see throughout the movie are black, white, gray, brown and red from blood. That’s really about it. It was not so dazzling.
• Commercials lie. I thought the movie was going to be Liam Neeson versus a bunch of wolves. That sounds badass. I had no idea there’d be more characters in the flick. There are. Spoiler alert: nothing good happens to them.
• It’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. And that’s what’s the most annoying and shitty thing of all. I wasted two hours of my life watching something that I’ve found no true value in. So in order to regain part of it, I’m letting all my frustration out in this entry in hopes that I can save someone the time and money from it.

* He’s the voice of Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia. Thank you, IMDB, for that information. I don’t think I knew that.

2012 Review: January

In order to keep track of what I’m watching/listening to/reading and the memorable moments of my life, I’ve decided to do a review of each month of the year. Here’s what was note-worthy in January:

Music:

• Florence and the Machine (both discs): while I’ve seen Florence in concert (opening for U2) and heard a lot of the songs via movies and the radio, I never listened to any of the CDs. I got my hands on both discs and rocked out to them while doing a lot of paperwork for my job. I find Florence’s voice soothing and I like the lyrics and the meaning I found from listening deeper. Somehow the music both relaxed and energized me while working. I’ll be listening for a long time to come.
• Scissor Sisters: Night Work: I’ve enjoyed the Sisters for a few years now. Their dance songs are upbeat and unique and never fail to make me happy.Night Work is a great disc, albeit NOT one to rock out to in the office as the lyrics are naughty (in the best of ways). If I ever went out at night, this would be the CD to listen to.

Books:

• MWF Seeks BFF by Rachel Bertsche: Another frothy book in the memoir category, the book follows the writer as she tries to find a new best friend after relocating to Chicago to start her married life. She decides to go on a “friend date” a week to find a local best friend since her other BFFs are around the country. (Girl, can I relate!) The book feels whiny at points, but is overall a fun and mostly engaging read. Borrow it from the library or a friend as it’s not worth the $12 I paid for it at Target.
• Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch: I’m all about biographies written by comediennes right now. While it’s not as funny as the books by Tina Fey or Mindy Kaling, this one is charming because of the random-ness of Jane’s life. She’s overcome some serious shit, but she never takes on a “whoa is me” attitude, which  is really refreshing after all the non-fiction books I’ve read in my life. I have a feeling that listening to this as an audiobook would be even better since Jane is relate-able and hilarious.
• Eat Mangoes Naked by Sark: A creative, self-help book, I really enjoyed this. The hardest part of this is the font as it looks like it’s hand-written and some of her words can be difficult to decipher. (I’m sure if I had a font in my hand writing maybe 0.08% of the population could really read it.) There were some good reflective exercises and food for thought in here.

TV and Movies:

• Party Down: a short-lived series on Showtime, I got into the show via Netflix because it’s produced by Paul Rudd and stars Adam Scott (AKA: two of my major crushes). A documentary satire, it follows a catering company on different gigs around LA and is pretty engaging. Jane Lynch also stars and is one of the best parts of the show since she’s not playing a sarcastic, mean or crazy character for once in her career. It’s worth checking out if you like The Office or Parks & Recreation as the humor is done in the same way.
• Portlandia: my boyfriend and I became obsessed with this after a marathon of the first season ran on IFC. LOVE THIS SHOW. It hits a little close to home since I see parts of the liberal hippy characters in myself, but overall I think it’s brilliant. I can’t wait to watch season 2!
• 50/50: this is really the only note-worthy movie I watched all month. The commercials make it sound much more like a buddy comedy than it really is, as Seth Rogen’s character is really secondary to Joseph Gordon Levitt’s cancer-stricken lead. It was hilarious at parts and heart-tugging at others. I really enjoyed it, but hated the romantic plotline because in real life? THAT COULDN’T HAPPEN. (Not if the woman wanted to pursue a career in the field she’s studying, that is.)

Moments:

• Ringing in 2012 with my boyfriend. It was a gift to be able to spend quality time with him for a week and a half. We cuddled lots and cooked for each other. It was blissful. I came back to work relaxed and incredibly content.
• Skype dates with friends–the newest wonder in my world. Especially when they involve wine and/or other adult beverages.
• I’m growing and diversifying as a professional and a writer. I was finally able to combine my two loves as I’ve begun blogging for the Student Affairs Collaborative, which is a dream that’s two years in the making. I’m so proud of me for making this happen!
• I also got invited to speak in my first class about Disney movies and their anti-feminist messages. The lecture will take place in March. The freaking out began after the invitation in mid-January.
• Operation: Budget Smackdown began and is under way. I’m not buying nearly as many extras and non-essentials and I have curbed my eating-out habit. Saving isn’t easy, but I am focused on my future!

A Day for Love

Today is not about overpriced flowers or cheap chocolates. It is not a day for tacky jewelry (Jane Seymour, I’m looking at you and those cheesy open hearted pendants you hock) or glittery cards with sticky sweet sentiments. It’s not a holiday that’s meant to be spent at a crowded restaurant or in a theater watching the latest badly written romantic comedy. And it’s definitely not a day intentionally aimed at making people feel bad for not being coupled up….or at least it shouldn’t be.

I am sick of the commercialization behind well-intentioned holidays. It’s bad enough that I can shop for Christmas decorations as I’m getting back-to-school supplies. I think we deserve to live in the moment and focus on what holidays truly mean. And so for me? I’m recapturing Valentine’s Day.

I adored V-Day as a girl: making a “mailbox” for all of the cards from classmates, fun heart-shaped decorations adorning the classroom,  picking out just the right cards for my friends, and getting lost in the aisles of pink and red in K-Mart. I loved it. And deep down, I still do. But somewhere along the way, I began to loathe the Day of Love. I stopped enjoying the cute little cartoonish cards and I sneered at flower displays because I knew that I wouldn’t be enjoying it as much as I could because of one simple fact: I was a single woman. All through high school and college I navigated Valentine’s Day without a partner and felt low every February 14th. It’s really hard to celebrate a fun holiday when it’s only focus is on romantic (and for the most part heterosexual) love. I couldn’t relate to romantic comedies and jewelry commercials because I didn’t have a partner. Even as I did shots with friends and sang bad karaoke songs (I’m so sorry “I Will Always Love You” for I butchered you in the worse way possible one V-Day), I couldn’t shake the fact that this day would be so much better with a boyfriend.

And then I got a boyfriend. And Valentine’s Day still sucked because he gave me cheap chocolate and tacky lingerie because he felt like he needed to; it felt inauthentic. Holding the chintzy camisole (with fur!!) (I can’t make that up), I began to wonder if Valentine’s Day is just an over-hyped holiday for everyone, coupled up or not.

Last year, in limbo and agonizing over whether I was still in a relationship or not, I decided to practically buy out the Valentine’s card section in Hallmark. I sent cards to everyone I loved and burned through a book and a half of stamps expressing my sentiments to my friends and family. My heart may have been breaking, but I felt good expressing my love to the people who still mattered to me.

It is with that sentiment, that I am recapturing Valentine’s Day for the second year in a row. The Day for Love isn’t about flowers or expensive dinners or heart-shaped jewelry (or whatever the hell shape that Jane Seymour crap is). My February 14th is a day for pure gratitude to the people who have shown me what love really is over the years. It’s inside jokes and hours spent on the phone together. It’s mixing uber-pink drinks on V-Day and then annihilating bad love songs at dive bars. It’s giving me the strength to end a bad relationship. It’s road trips and cross-country adventures and reunions that we make a priority despite crazy schedules and lives. It’s reminding me that I’m worth all of the love in the world and believing that I’ll write my own fabulous fairy tale when I don’t believe it for myself. It’s cheering me on throughout hard classes and finals and entire semesters of school. It’s random cards in the mail and Skype dates and silly texts that say that someone is thinking of me. It’s sitting with me in the courthouse when I’ve pressed charges after the attack. It’s bear hugs and Snuggie dances and nights spent finding the bottom of wine bottles while laughing until our stomachs hurt.  It’s helping each other to be genuine and real. It’s support for my unconventional relationship and happiness because I’ve found a profound love that I can call my own. It’s challenging each other to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. It’s reading this blog and encouraging me to follow my heart (and hopefully someday buying my books).

Today I celebrate everyone I love because I have an abundance of it in my life. I’m truly blessed and my journey would be profoundly different without the memories shared and lessons learned from my friends and family. February 14th is about the love I share with and have for them. Today I celebrate love in all forms. Today, I recapture Valentine’s Day.

Sunday School: the Self-Care Edition

I’ve just finished watching The Grammy’s and having an epic, hours-long text-fest with my dear friend, Karen. My head is aching from attempting to wrap itself around the hot mess of the Nicki Minaj performance and also from looking at my iPhone for far too long. So let’s just jump right into this week’s lessons, shall we?

• Not really a lesson, but a reiteration. Adele fucking rocks. Not only did she look amazing and perform beautifully, but she is seriously a shining star for my generation who I hope will continue to produce timeless music for many decades to come. (Also I’m going to copy her makeup look all this coming week. Because it’s that gorgeous.) (Also squared: I want her second gown–the tea-length, glitter-and-lace number. It was lovely and totally up my alley.)
• No matter how much my boyfriend educates me about them, the Beach Boys will always remind me of Full House and John Stamos. When they reunited tonight my first thought was “where’s Uncle Jesse?!?” I am a Full House fan for life!
• I missed blogging. The Word Press site wasn’t working and I couldn’t access it from my laptop for nearly two weeks. I tried nightly because I wanted to write but it wouldn’t load and it pissed me off SO MUCH! EXCLAMATION POINTS OF FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!! But it’s working again (obviously) and I can again impact the world with my voice. I was so happy when the site first loaded on Friday that I almost cried. I’m such a sensitive artist type.
• I have too many clothes. I ripped through my closet a couple of weeks ago and put a bunch of old tops and pants in a bag to take to a consignment shop. Then today I was cleaning and realized I had no more hangers to hang blouses, so I went through it again and then tore through a couple of dresser drawers and found more things to give away. My new clothing train of thought is this: if I don’t absolutely adore it, I must give it another life by allowing another to love it and utilize it. It makes it a lot easier to part with pretty blouses I barely wear when I think that they can be going to a woman who needs new work shirts or is looking to amp up her wardrobe a bit.
• Again, not really a lesson, but…RIP, Whitney Houston. Growing up, I remember my mom complaining about her music because she thought Whitney screamed and screeched too much. I thought her voice was loud and powerful–it scared and inspired me. I was sad when she fell into a drug habit and mourned how far she fell with her reality show and all the subsequent jokes that were made about her life. I truly thought she was poised for an epic comeback that would allow her to be at the top of her game for a good couple of decades. I wanted her to overcome her issues. I, like the rest of the world, was stunned to hear the news of her death Saturday night. Her music impacted my life and my voice and I’m grateful for her talent. I’ll be saddened by her passing for a little while.
• I have a new theme for my overwhelming life: self-care. I am really caught up in my job and my relationships (work and personal) and some other details of life. One thing I’m not focusing on AT ALL is my own needs. My friend Ashley blogged about how she’s attempting to focus more on her own self-care; as I read about her journey it dawned on me that I don’t really do that for myself. I go through the motions of my day in order to merely exist. I haven’t been cultivating a relationship with myself or doing anything that’s strictly for me. And it’s been this way for a while. It needs to stop because I’m at a point where I’m tearing up at the most minor of things and I’m not able to use my voice to the best of my ability. I’m feeling insecure and scared and stressed and the only times I’m truly happy are when I’m talking to my boyfriend or connecting with friends. I think intentionally taking the time for myself is necessary and has just not been a priority. Starting now it becomes a priority–I am a priority in my own life and I am now taking steps to reignite my inner flame by cultivating and nurturing a relationship with myself.

That last lesson sounds really self-helpy and Life Coach-ish. And you know what? I don’t care. Because every word of it is authentic to me because I find myself becoming more of a nurturing coach-y kind of person and professional with each passing day. And I like who I’m becoming in that aspect. Hey! This whole self-care thing is working already! Hurray!

Disa-Vowed

Like most women in America, I had a gut reaction to the commercials for the new movie, The Vow. Come ON–it has Channing Tatum in a role that promises to have some no-shirt time and Rachel McAdams of Notebook (aka the chick flick sob-fest for my generation) fame as his partner who loses all memories of her husband after a car accident. There was no way this wasn’t going to be a major sob-fest. I nearly bawled watching the trailer for crying out loud! (I promise, that wasn’t meant to be a pun.)

I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed by the actual movie. While it was moving and well-acted, to me it didn’t live up to the three-hankies-needed hype the commercials promised. To me, it wasn’t so much about the relationship between a husband and his wife as much as it is really about a woman’s journey to figure out who she is when she can’t remember the last five (very crucial) years of her life. She wakes up and thinks she’s engaged to someone else and still in law school. In reality, she’s dumped her fiance’, realized law school wasn’t for her, moved into the city and is exploring her life as an artist with her new husband. The movie is much more about who she thinks she is and discovering that the parts of her she lost are still seeds in her soul that begin to eventually come out with time. The movie was much more inspiring to me because of this plot-line. The Vow isn’t a romance–it’s a compelling  shero’s journey story.

This movie provides excellent food for thought. What would happen if you could suddenly no longer remember the last five years of your life? What if you woke up thinking that you were in an entirely different world than you really are?

Here are the highlights of what’s happened in my life in the past five years:

• Quit my stable job to attend grad school.
• Devoted two solid years of my life to studying Student Affairs at MSU.
• Ended an abusive relationship after an agonizing attack.
• Graduated with my Master’s Degree.
• Moved from Michigan to Minnesota for a new job.
• Grew as a professional and person thanks to working a private, liberal arts school where I received more of an education than the students.
• Began and cultivated a relationship with the man who is the Love of My Life.
• Traveled abroad to Scotland, England and Russia, resulting in much personal growth.

All of that would be lost if I suffered from memory loss like Paige did in The Vow. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t go through all of those things. I’d wake up and think I was still dating my ex-boyfriend and all of my professional growth (and the opportunities that came with it) would have vanished. Five years ago, I was completely unhappy with where I was in life, which is what prompted me to explore grad school as an option for my life. I needed to follow my heart because at time in my life–I wasn’t. I was floundering and unsure of who I was. Five years ago, I was a shell of a woman, without much direction or any idea of who I really was. I assumed that life was as good as it’d get with my boyfriend and while I wasn’t entirely happy, I didn’t think I’d do much better. I didn’t realize that I deserved better in all areas of my life. It wasn’t until I started nurturing a relationship with myself while at MSU that I began to understand what I deserved and was truly capable of. Five years ago, I had no idea what I could do.

If I woke up thinking that I was 24 and floundering I’d beg the doctors to re-induce my coma and let me die while under. I can’t imagine who I’d be today without everything that’s developed in my life–particularly in the past half-decade. The last five years have been a stressful, frustrating, painful, fantastical, beautiful and the most joyous and growth-filled of my life. I’m content and grateful for the world I’ve helped to cultivate with those I love. To state the obvious, I wouldn’t be who I am today without all of the events of my past, but that’s really true of the later part of my 20s. I feel a whole new sense of wonder and gratitude for my life after seeing The Vow. That alone is worth the money I paid for the movie ticket.