A letter to myself

I’m breaking with tradition this week–I’m not going to write a compilation of the lessons I’ve learned over the course of the past seven or so days.  Truthfully, I’m not sure if I could because I feel like I’ve been in a funk lately. I don’t feel much joy; it’s as if fear is constantly looming over me, taking over my thoughts and emotion. I’m not sure why, but I plan to work through it with this entry because instead of Sunday School, I’m writing a letter to myself. Before I begin, I offer this caveat: I don’t know what’s going to come out during this entry. I can only promise honesty and writing that comes from the deepest parts of me because I feel that this is what I need right now. So I probably won’t be funny or profound or entertaining. But it may help me get back to feeling more like myself so that I can be all of those things and more sooner rather than later.

Dear Krissy:

You’re going through a lot right now. You’re wrapping up the final months of your first job post-Master’s Degree and grappling with how to say goodbye to a place that’s become like a home to you in the past three years. You’re readying yourself to pick up your life and move 1,800 miles to an area of the country you don’t know well. You’re trusting that your relationship is going to work out when many factors throughout your life have tried to convince you that love cannot conquer all. You’re trying to figure out what your career is going to look like when you have no guarantee of a job in your field. You have a lot to wrestle with right now.

So this fear that you’re feeling? This fear that seems to be impeding in everything that you do? It’s perfectly normal. And those emotions that keep leaking out randomly when you’re trying so hard to keep it together? It’s OK to be feeling those. Feel them. Don’t suppress them–let them out. Let the tears pour if that’s what you’re feeling. Be honest with those who love you about what you need during these cloudy moments. These people love you for a reason–they know you and they’re not going to be scared away by some sob sessions. If they were, they wouldn’t be your friends–you know how to pick the positive people, the good ones who’ll support you in this.

You’re in a period of transition; you’ve been through many in your life–when your parents divorced, when you felt shunned by classmates for years when you were the new girl at school, when you went to college, when you went to grad school, when you survived the attack, when you moved to Minnesota. What has each of these periods of your life taught you? While the lessons from each of these chapters may vary, one thing remains constant: you are stronger and more resilient than you think. You just don’t remember that right now because you’re working through your fears. Deep down, though, you know. You have it in you to not only survive this tough time, but thrive because you’ve proven more than once that you’re a phoenix who can make the most of any situation good or bad.

This doesn’t mean it won’t be hard for the next couple of months. It will be. You know this. You’re bracing yourself for it. Saying goodbye is never easy. Never. Especially for you because you’re all heart. But you know that this is what you need to do to move forward and start that next chapter of your life. You’re ready for this. You’re following your heart and while that is scary as fuck, you know that it can’t lead you astray. Good things are going to come from this transition.

But moving from point A to point B will have its challenges. It’s going to be an emotional time. You’re going to get overwhelmed. You’re going to get stressed. You’re going to question yourself. You’re going to feel like you’re crawling out of your skin because you’ll question everything as you ready yourself for your next steps. This is all completely normal. Just promise me something, OK? When you begin to feel these things, take a deep breath and try to remember why you’re doing this: Love. New challenges. New adventures. Growth. A relationship that’s worth everything to you. A chance for you to discover new things about yourself. These are the reasons why you’re afraid–because you’re on the precipice of amazing things. (Or as Lady Gaga would say “the edge of glory.”) But in order to get those things, you need to leave your comfort zone and take that leap of faith. And, yes, that is bloody scary.

You will get through this. You’ve been strong this long–you can make it a couple more months. You have that within you. I know you do. And when you push through the shittiness of all these conflicting emotions, you’ll come out happier and stronger than ever. And you know what’s waiting for you once you transition? Love. A new world to explore. New possibilities for your career. New friends. And being together with the person who has your heart. If all of those things aren’t worth pushing through the fear for, I don’t know what is.

Some advice moving forward: keep breathing. And be good to yourself. That is paramount to surviving and thriving here. Soon enough you’ll be through this scary time and onto bigger and better things. Until then, don’t be afraid to cry and lean on those who love you. Just know that you got this. You can’t see how good this is going to be for you and the “us” you’re creating by taking this leap. But it’ll be worth it. All this murkiness is worth it. I promise.

Love,

Me

A Year of Awesome

I wasn’t looking for love. Or a relationship. Or sex. Or anything. Yet, I am in no way exaggerating when I say that my life changed one year ago today. March 19, 2011 was supposed to be a normal, low-key day in my life. It was a day that had one thing on the agenda: meet up with an old friend to talk and commiserate. While it started off like that, what happened during that dinner set the course of my life in a completely unexpected direction.

And all it took was my now-partner reaching across the table to take my hand.

That single, surprising action foreshadowed what has come to be a year filled with many surprises, both unexpected and anticipated. From one singular action (and a lot of courage on my boyfriend’s part) a relationship has developed. We’ve made it one year and dealt with a lot of challenges during that time. We’ve bared our souls, faced our fears, comforted and supported on another, connected on levels I didn’t realize existed and surprised ourselves and each other by falling in love–quickly at first and then again and again on a daily basis.

While the year has been filled with so many challenges, my relationship with Scott has felt like one of the easiest, most natural things ever. Falling in love with him felt intuitive–like I had been harboring the feelings for him throughout my entire life. Connecting with him came naturally because instinctively we created our own little world where we felt safe and supported no matter what we chose to share. Being his partner feels right and good–on a daily basis I feel nothing less than respected, listened to, adored and loved more than the day before. I’m not kidding when I say that some days I’m stunned by the enormity of our love, as cheesy as that sounds. This is the stuff of song lyrics and fairy tales and countless movies and soap operas and novels. This love that I feel is nothing less than fulfilling and gratifying and awesome. I’m so grateful to have this man in my life.

And so today I celebrate a year of Us. It’s been a year filled with so much happiness, a few tears (mostly mine because of the healing process and then the hardships of long distance love), boatloads of hope and joy, a lot of mix CDs (mainly from him), countless love emails and letters and cards, a few flights back and forth, sacred Skype dates, some cheesy inside jokes and more love than I could ever have dared to dream about. And today I celebrate my partner and his courage for that singular action that ultimately showed me what love really can be. My heart is brimming with joy as I celebrate what March 19th means to me. And to Us.

Friday Five: Conference Hangover Edition

So I just got back from NASPA, which is an international conference for people who are in the field of Student Affairs. Approximately 4,500 of us professionals (and graduate and undergraduate students) flocked to Phoenix, Arizona for four days of learning and connecting. And it. Was. Awesome. I’m still synthesizing and internalizing a lot of what I learned from the conference but here are five lessons that are sticking out to me at this moment. (It’s important to note that I am distracted by the MSU-LIU game as I write this, so these are in no way the most important or deepest lessons I’ve learned, rather they’re the ones I’m remembering for the purpose of this entry.)

• New Social Justice terms: “intersectionality” and “micro-aggressions”. I’ve heard these words once or twice, but I really got to delve deeper this past week, for which I’m grateful. I discovered there’s a lot of educating to be done on my part when it comes to being an advocate and ally to marginalized populations. It’s a rough realization to have, but I’m excited to learn.
• Another area for further research and learning lays in the topic of size-ism and gender bias. I attended an interesting session about legal implications of these topics and what it means for the field and I’m definitely intrigued. As a plus size woman and someone who wants to help society to be more welcoming and understanding, the issue of size-ism is one that I feel could play a large role in my life and work to come.
• All day workshops are the shit. I had the privilege of participating in a pre-conference reflective writing workshop and I’m so glad I invested the time and energy into it. The leaders were well-spoken and inspirational, the other participants were fun and sweet and I learned a lot about writing and my professional self and voice. It was an incredible experience.
• “This I Believe” essays and statements are big in the field right now. I’ve penned a couple because I thought they were good writing exercises. It turns out–professionals think they’re fabulous ways to help students self-actualize. Good to know I’m ahead of the curve on this trend.
• Empowerment happens through education. This was reiterated time and again throughout the week from John Legend’s opening keynote to the final workshops of the conference. We need to make sure we’re doing all we can to help people succeed from kindergarten through college (if they so choose to attend) and give people the support and resources they need in order to persist and achieve. While this sounds advocate-y, I know how powerful education is and what it does for society and the individuals in it and so I walked away from NASPA inspired to encourage, support and fight for education for all. This lesson, to me, is priceless.

Tagged! 11 Things

I’ve been tagged by the lovely Melissa so I must do this wonderful meme/chain letter-ish thing. I do it because I love her. And talking about myself.

The Rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.

3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them that you’ve tagged them.

Me and my first love: Lake Superior

The questions I must answer:

1. Do you have any silly fears? My fears are a bit ridiculous: I’m scared of finding a spider in the shower right before I’m about to lather up. I’m scared of a Lost-esque situation happening whenever I fly (though I quickly dismiss this thought when I get distracted by a book or tunes). I’m scared that I won’t like a book after I’ve dropped money on it. Silly things.

2. What musical group/act changed your life? Oh LORD, Melissa! OF COURSE you’d have to ask this! For me the most life-changing music has been from RENT. Never before or since has something resonated so deeply with me. The messages of living life to the fullest, loving without fear, whole acceptance and the bonds of friendship and love are the foundations that I’ve based my life around. I cry whenever I listen to the soundtrack. I love the play and I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of the songs and message that has so strongly impacted my life for the past eight years.

3. Do you collect anything? I do! I collect books of fairy tales. And I collect books signed by authors I admire: Jennifer Lancaster, Mindy Kaling, Anthony Rapp, Maya Angelou and others.

4. What is your happiest childhood memory? I don’t have just one. I had a really happy childhood despite my parents divorcing when I was five. My mom worked really hard to make sure my sister and I had good childhoods. I was really happy with just the three of us. One of my favorite memories of our family was because of my mom’s thoughtfulness–whenever we’d come home from visiting Dad, she’d set up a Scavenger Treasure Hunt where she made up clues and drew us maps that we’d have to use and figure out to find little presents. I remember tearing around the house, following the maps and solving clues while throwing around pillows and crawling under my bed to find a Little Mermaid puzzle or new book or small toy. My mom’s kindness, never-ending love and creativity continue to inspire me. She’s why I had such a great childhood.

5. What beauty product do you have to use every day? Just one?  I use Fit Me Foundation and Maybelline mascara every day. I also can’t live without perfume and some kind of lip gloss or lipstick!

6. What is your favorite book? My first favorite book was Little Women. It’s still one of my favorites of all time. I read it every couple of years.

7. What is the most adventurous thing you’ve ever eaten? I’ll try anything so I’m struggling to come up with an answer. I freaked out friends when I ate octopus at a Greek restaurant in Chicago. I’ve tried shark in Hawaii and Haggis in Scotland. Those were probably the most adventurous things I’ve tried. I’m also hoping to try rattlesnake in Arizona and alligator in Florida in my near future.

8. If you had to be a celebrity, what would you want to be known for? My multi-facted nature. I’m a diva who cares about her looks, but also a feminist who knows how to question societal norms. I’m very loud and unafraid to use my voice, but also I’m really reflective and I know how to dig deeper and ask hard questions of myself and others. I love making new friends but I value me-time. I’m fiercely independent but I’m learning how to love whole-heartedly and exploring a relationship that could last a long time (hopefully forever). I’m so much more than people see and I want people to know that just because they see one or two facets, they may not be seeing the whole picture unless they take the time to get to know me.

9. What movie can you watch over and over again? Any Disney movie. I love love love all of them! Also Anchorman and Moulin Rouge are on that list.

10. What kind of animal do you look like? A lion. I have big hair and a very-present nose. Plus I’m a Leo so it totally makes sense.

11. What would you do if you could be a member of the opposite sex for a day? Have sex! I want to know what it’s like to feel it from a male’s perspective. I’d also see how people react to a male in today’s society and try to play with perceptions and societal norms. Once I’m done having sex I mean.

My questions:

1. What TV show would you watch any time, any day even if you’ve seen every episode?
2. Quick! Recommend three CDs or bands/artists for me to listen to!
3. If you could have an alternate life, what would you be doing?
4. What is your favorite thing about your job? What’s your least favorite thing?
5. If you could visit the campus of your alms mater for a day, what would you make sure you did?
6. What’s your favorite quote?
7. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
8. You win $10,000 and you have to spend it on you and you alone. What do you spend it on?
9. If you could have any animal as a pet, what would you have?
10. What is your favorite indulgence?
11. What are you most proud of in your life?

You’ve been tagged! Becky and Ashley!

Sunday School: the Spring Break is Finally Here Edition

Ah, Spring Break. A time to breathe, relax and at least attempt to find some semblance of rejuvenation. I feel like my blood pressure has gone down considerably since I closed my halls Friday evening. It’s so quiet…so…so blissful. Right now I don’t have a care in the world. I have maybe three tasks on my to-do list for this week. I can sleep in a bit, have my TV on while I work in my office (since my office is connected to my apartment) and truly breathe a little this week. I really don’t know what to do with myself after coming off a month jam-packed with urgent projects and meeting-filled days and weeks. This is a problem I’ll gladly take after the stress of the semester so far. But enough about that–onward to my lessons of the week:

• So I made the big leap and turned in my letter of resignation this past week. But what comes after the big jump, you ask? Let me tell you: for this girl it means a LOT of tears and long, whining monologues to friends and loved ones about how bloody scared I am. While in one respect I feel free and excited about this new step in my journey there’s a whole other part of my brain going “holy fucking shit–are you crazy?!?” This part of my brain is worried about things like a paycheck and using my Masters Degree and having health insurance, which…yes. I am very concerned about. Hence, the tears and insecurity. Deep down, though, I know that this is the right move all around. I’m just hoping that I can continue to march forth and get over this overly emotional, insecure period of things.
• In completely unrelated news, I bake a mean cupcake. And my students agree as 70 or more flocked to my apartment on Leap Day to share in some home baked sweets. It. Was. Awesome. But it leads to my next Aha Moment…
• Never mention a boyfriend or partner unless you’re willing to play 120 questions with students. Because they will want to know everything. And then they’ll ask if they can Skype with him. And demand to meet him. (I feel bad if Scott ever comes to visit me now…)
• I’m on a huge makeup kick right now. In the past few weeks I’ve acquired at least 8 new lipsticks and glosses. I’m not entirely sure why I feel like I need so much new stuff for my mouth…maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me to pay more attention to my voice? Hmm. I don’t know. Anyway, so I have a lot of new lip stuff…and today I made the mistake of stepping into Sephora to play with their makeup and ended up splurging on a gorgeous smokey eye trio from Lorac. I’m really reallyyyyyyy excited to play with it! I’m also in total lust with their Ooh La Lace palette and may indulge in it once I return from my trip because I really can’t resist smoky, sultry colors and anything swathed in lace. I’m a sucker for it.
• (I feel it important to note that now that I’m on the Sephora site, I’m finding even more things I want. A lot. I’m both annoyed and amused with myself right now.)
• I’m admitting this next confession to you all in full confidence. We have a circle of silence among us, right? You’re not going to judge me or go gossiping to your friends about me, right? Ok then. I’ve purchased a couple of songs from the Nickelodeon show Victorious. I really didn’t want to like the show, but it’s like Glee meets Lizzie McGuire so really I had no hope. I’m absolutely addicted to “Take a Hint” from the latest episode and I’ll openly admit that I’ve rocked out to it no less than six times in the past day and a half. Please don’t tell anyone.
• On Thursday I’m heading to Phoenix, Arizona for a student affairs conference. If you’re not in the field this probably sounds super-boring. But if you’re a higher ed nerd like me, you’ll be stoked and can probably imagine how holy-bloody-hell-ohmygod-super-excited I am! EXCLAMATION POINTS!! Seriously, I am beyond stoked for this conference and have been talking about it since October, so I’m pretty glad it’s almost here. My loves of learning and meeting new friends will be kindled for nearly a week. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
• Also exciting? Pouring over the conference guide about all the sessions. John Legend giving the opening keynote? Lieutenant Dan Choi doing a session? Approximately 309483 workshops about development, purpose and creativity? YES PLEASE!!! I’m at the point where I can’t even be on the conference page because I get too excited to do anything else and then I get really hyper and can’t focus. Talking about it right now means I likely won’t sleep for a couple more hours because I get so excited. It’s going to be a good week!

Leap of Faith

Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we’ll do everything we can to get you back….so, well, I took it.

Ross: That’s great! So you’re staying in New York!…You’re excited, right?

Rachel: (hesitant) Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money’s great. It’s certainly the easier choice…Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely… but you know, this is… it’s fine. I’m fine going back to a job where I’ve pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can…

Ross: I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Umm, I mean, you said you were scared.

Rachel: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or umm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared… But this is… fine..

~ ~ ~

Leap Year comes around once every four years. For the life of me I can’t remember what I’ve done in years past on February 29th. But because I’m going through an interesting period of reflection and growth in my life, I decided that this Leap Day would be one that is both terrifying and poetic.

So today I put in my letter of resignation.

It’s been something that’s been on my mind for a while. It’s nothing that will come as a surprise to my supervisor or my close work colleagues or friends. I’m not in a job where one stays for decades at a time. Live-in positions are, at their best, transitory in their stability–they’re there to give people a foot in the door, some great professional growth and a lot of great anecdotes and stories along the way. Right now, I’m in year 3 at my first post-grad school position. I’ve had some amazing times and grown a lot. But it’s time for me to move on.

It’s painful to admit this as I’ve grown to love the community and the friends I’ve made in the division. I’m finally making a name for myself within the school and I’m not afraid to use my voice and take advantage of opportunities. I have a strong staff and I’m cultivating quite a few mentor-mentee relationships with students at the moment.

And yet.

There are days when I want to scream out of frustration. There are moments when I’ve questioned my sanity in my career choice. There have been times when I’ve called my boyfriend or a friend crying and shaking because of the stress that being in my position can bring.

It’s time to move on.

I feel blessed because I’m excited about the path that will be opening because of this resignation. I’ll end the year and say my goodbyes. And then I’ll follow my heart.

I’ll follow my heart. Staying true to myself and doing this is singularly the most thrilling and terrifying thing that I can do. While innately I know that everything will end fabulously, getting to that point–through the murk and ambiguity and stress and doubt–is going to be a hard road. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m practically paralyzed with fear. But writing the letter today was the right thing to do. It’s time for a new chapter, for new growth and new experiences. It’s time to explore another path.

The Friends quote at the beginning of the entry was from an episode that happened to be on this afternoon as I was taking a break. I teared up when I heard Rachel talking about her new opportunity in Paris and how scared-yet-excited she was about it because that’s exactly where I am right now. There couldn’t have been any clearer of a sign from The Universe. I did the right thing this Leap Day. I took a huge leap of faith. While I may not end up in Paris like Ms. Green did (or–ultimately–didn’t because of love), I know that as long as I keep listening to my heart and feeling support from my friends (and The Universe!) I’ll be fine.

Sunday School: the Oscar Letdown Edition

So…the Oscars. They happened. And I was bored. Maybe I have a jaded view of them this year, but I wasn’t surprised at all by any of the winners. Come on–when there’s a unique non-Talkie movie and Meryl Streep nominated there are going to be some no-brain winners. That being said, hurray to Octavia Spencer for her win (well-deserved) and to Tina Fey who outshined nearly everyone else on the red carpet. Moving on to my lessons of the week…

• The Oscars are only fun to watch with friends. Because then you can talk over the boring parts and quote movies and have drinking games…kind of like how the Bridesmaids women were doing on-stage during their award presentation. THAT’S what’s fun about the Oscars. Fellowship and liquor. Oh yes. (Also? That was awesome when Melissa McCarthy produced a tiny bottle of vodka from her cleavage.)
• Ok, one more thing about the Oscars: Cirque du Soleil! Dude! AMAZING!!! Their five minutes were the best five minutes of the entire broadcast and I was riveted the entire time. I love Cirque and every time I see a performance my jaw drops and I can’t breathe because I’m so captivated by the sheer artistry, athleticism and beauty of every performer. I want to see every Cirque show. Ever. I’m not joking. The ticket money would be an investment in inspiration and I’d be one broke yet inspired writer after that. Oh yes.
• February is a harsh month in my field. I spent 24 hours interviewing students last week and another 12 hours reviewing applications. And I know that this is not uncommon in my field when looking for student workers. Tis the season for interviews and tis a hard, harsh season indeed. I still haven’t recaptured all the sleep I lost from the stress of it all. Which brings me to my next point…
• Spring Break cannot come fast enough. Five more days of work…five more days of work…five…more…days…
• I love my students. A lot of people got really good news this past week and I got to celebrate it with them via shrieky voicemails, hilarious thank you emails and many hugs and squeals. The giddiness and delight of my students makes all of the hard work and tired moments totally worth it.
• I want a fun stage name. There’s a contestant on The Voice named Charlotte Sometimes. I think that’s so whimsical and lovely! I want a name like that. To compensate for having such a normal name, I began calling myself Krissy Delovely on Pinterest and Good Reads. It makes me happy. So that can be my whimsical alter-ego for now.
• If I tell you that I’m spending the weekend “writing” what that really means it that I’ll spend it sprawled out on my couch watching really bad movies while intermittently napping. That wasn’t the goal of this weekend–seriously pounding out some pieces for a project was the main intent. However, my very comfy couch and my very tired self decided to over-ride my intentions. Maybe I’ll write over Spring Break?
• Oh who am I kidding? The last half of Spring Break will be spent in Arizona at a conference and I. Cannot. WAIT! It’s going to be awesome. I am counting down the days to that as well.
• In the great battle of Krissy vs. Fear, it’s an uphill one–of that I am certain. I have days where I’m totally geeked for everything before me and then there are days when I’m completely terrified of what’ll happen when I don’t have a security blanket anymore. The days where I have no faith slightly outnumber the days when I feel I can conquer the world and it pains me to admit that. I wish I knew how to live fearlessly…or at least pretend that I was. I will not give up, though–I know that with time and patience and support things will turn out splendidly. I just need to learn to ride out the waves of insecurity and sheer panic.

Friday Five: Gray-ing

I refuse to put a picture from the movie in this entry so instead enjoy this photo of a cute Corgi puppy.

“It sucked. It started off crappy, got more crap-tacular, turned shitty then got fucking shitty and ended. That’s what I thought of The Gray.” (Me to friends this evening.)

I try to keep this space positive. I really do. I’m a big perpetrator of putting good into the world, even if this a blog that only, like, four of my friends read. Every once in a while though this girl’s gotta bitch. And so this week’s Friday Five is dedicated to The Gray–one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Here are five reasons why I want my $5 back:

• Liam Neeson lets me down. He’s been a Jedi, a doctor, an action hero, a lion*, and a hero to Holocaust Jews.  Yet in this movie? He can barely muster the strength to do more than grimace or spout off bad poetry. His acting skills do not bode well in wintry conditions. I kept thinking “it’s Liam Neeson–this has to get better. There has to be hope.” But no. That’s not the case.  Which brings me to my next point…
• There is no hope. The movie starts off in a dark place and just goes downhill from there. I kept hoping that there would be glimmers of good or that he’d catch a break right up until the end, where it just stops without any real resolution. I felt emotionally exhausted from hoping for something good to happen. There is nothing hopeful or positive about this movie.
• It’s essentially color-less. It takes place in the Alaska wild so the colors you see throughout the movie are black, white, gray, brown and red from blood. That’s really about it. It was not so dazzling.
• Commercials lie. I thought the movie was going to be Liam Neeson versus a bunch of wolves. That sounds badass. I had no idea there’d be more characters in the flick. There are. Spoiler alert: nothing good happens to them.
• It’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. And that’s what’s the most annoying and shitty thing of all. I wasted two hours of my life watching something that I’ve found no true value in. So in order to regain part of it, I’m letting all my frustration out in this entry in hopes that I can save someone the time and money from it.

* He’s the voice of Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia. Thank you, IMDB, for that information. I don’t think I knew that.

2012 Review: January

In order to keep track of what I’m watching/listening to/reading and the memorable moments of my life, I’ve decided to do a review of each month of the year. Here’s what was note-worthy in January:

Music:

• Florence and the Machine (both discs): while I’ve seen Florence in concert (opening for U2) and heard a lot of the songs via movies and the radio, I never listened to any of the CDs. I got my hands on both discs and rocked out to them while doing a lot of paperwork for my job. I find Florence’s voice soothing and I like the lyrics and the meaning I found from listening deeper. Somehow the music both relaxed and energized me while working. I’ll be listening for a long time to come.
• Scissor Sisters: Night Work: I’ve enjoyed the Sisters for a few years now. Their dance songs are upbeat and unique and never fail to make me happy.Night Work is a great disc, albeit NOT one to rock out to in the office as the lyrics are naughty (in the best of ways). If I ever went out at night, this would be the CD to listen to.

Books:

• MWF Seeks BFF by Rachel Bertsche: Another frothy book in the memoir category, the book follows the writer as she tries to find a new best friend after relocating to Chicago to start her married life. She decides to go on a “friend date” a week to find a local best friend since her other BFFs are around the country. (Girl, can I relate!) The book feels whiny at points, but is overall a fun and mostly engaging read. Borrow it from the library or a friend as it’s not worth the $12 I paid for it at Target.
• Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch: I’m all about biographies written by comediennes right now. While it’s not as funny as the books by Tina Fey or Mindy Kaling, this one is charming because of the random-ness of Jane’s life. She’s overcome some serious shit, but she never takes on a “whoa is me” attitude, which  is really refreshing after all the non-fiction books I’ve read in my life. I have a feeling that listening to this as an audiobook would be even better since Jane is relate-able and hilarious.
• Eat Mangoes Naked by Sark: A creative, self-help book, I really enjoyed this. The hardest part of this is the font as it looks like it’s hand-written and some of her words can be difficult to decipher. (I’m sure if I had a font in my hand writing maybe 0.08% of the population could really read it.) There were some good reflective exercises and food for thought in here.

TV and Movies:

• Party Down: a short-lived series on Showtime, I got into the show via Netflix because it’s produced by Paul Rudd and stars Adam Scott (AKA: two of my major crushes). A documentary satire, it follows a catering company on different gigs around LA and is pretty engaging. Jane Lynch also stars and is one of the best parts of the show since she’s not playing a sarcastic, mean or crazy character for once in her career. It’s worth checking out if you like The Office or Parks & Recreation as the humor is done in the same way.
• Portlandia: my boyfriend and I became obsessed with this after a marathon of the first season ran on IFC. LOVE THIS SHOW. It hits a little close to home since I see parts of the liberal hippy characters in myself, but overall I think it’s brilliant. I can’t wait to watch season 2!
• 50/50: this is really the only note-worthy movie I watched all month. The commercials make it sound much more like a buddy comedy than it really is, as Seth Rogen’s character is really secondary to Joseph Gordon Levitt’s cancer-stricken lead. It was hilarious at parts and heart-tugging at others. I really enjoyed it, but hated the romantic plotline because in real life? THAT COULDN’T HAPPEN. (Not if the woman wanted to pursue a career in the field she’s studying, that is.)

Moments:

• Ringing in 2012 with my boyfriend. It was a gift to be able to spend quality time with him for a week and a half. We cuddled lots and cooked for each other. It was blissful. I came back to work relaxed and incredibly content.
• Skype dates with friends–the newest wonder in my world. Especially when they involve wine and/or other adult beverages.
• I’m growing and diversifying as a professional and a writer. I was finally able to combine my two loves as I’ve begun blogging for the Student Affairs Collaborative, which is a dream that’s two years in the making. I’m so proud of me for making this happen!
• I also got invited to speak in my first class about Disney movies and their anti-feminist messages. The lecture will take place in March. The freaking out began after the invitation in mid-January.
• Operation: Budget Smackdown began and is under way. I’m not buying nearly as many extras and non-essentials and I have curbed my eating-out habit. Saving isn’t easy, but I am focused on my future!

A Day for Love

Today is not about overpriced flowers or cheap chocolates. It is not a day for tacky jewelry (Jane Seymour, I’m looking at you and those cheesy open hearted pendants you hock) or glittery cards with sticky sweet sentiments. It’s not a holiday that’s meant to be spent at a crowded restaurant or in a theater watching the latest badly written romantic comedy. And it’s definitely not a day intentionally aimed at making people feel bad for not being coupled up….or at least it shouldn’t be.

I am sick of the commercialization behind well-intentioned holidays. It’s bad enough that I can shop for Christmas decorations as I’m getting back-to-school supplies. I think we deserve to live in the moment and focus on what holidays truly mean. And so for me? I’m recapturing Valentine’s Day.

I adored V-Day as a girl: making a “mailbox” for all of the cards from classmates, fun heart-shaped decorations adorning the classroom,  picking out just the right cards for my friends, and getting lost in the aisles of pink and red in K-Mart. I loved it. And deep down, I still do. But somewhere along the way, I began to loathe the Day of Love. I stopped enjoying the cute little cartoonish cards and I sneered at flower displays because I knew that I wouldn’t be enjoying it as much as I could because of one simple fact: I was a single woman. All through high school and college I navigated Valentine’s Day without a partner and felt low every February 14th. It’s really hard to celebrate a fun holiday when it’s only focus is on romantic (and for the most part heterosexual) love. I couldn’t relate to romantic comedies and jewelry commercials because I didn’t have a partner. Even as I did shots with friends and sang bad karaoke songs (I’m so sorry “I Will Always Love You” for I butchered you in the worse way possible one V-Day), I couldn’t shake the fact that this day would be so much better with a boyfriend.

And then I got a boyfriend. And Valentine’s Day still sucked because he gave me cheap chocolate and tacky lingerie because he felt like he needed to; it felt inauthentic. Holding the chintzy camisole (with fur!!) (I can’t make that up), I began to wonder if Valentine’s Day is just an over-hyped holiday for everyone, coupled up or not.

Last year, in limbo and agonizing over whether I was still in a relationship or not, I decided to practically buy out the Valentine’s card section in Hallmark. I sent cards to everyone I loved and burned through a book and a half of stamps expressing my sentiments to my friends and family. My heart may have been breaking, but I felt good expressing my love to the people who still mattered to me.

It is with that sentiment, that I am recapturing Valentine’s Day for the second year in a row. The Day for Love isn’t about flowers or expensive dinners or heart-shaped jewelry (or whatever the hell shape that Jane Seymour crap is). My February 14th is a day for pure gratitude to the people who have shown me what love really is over the years. It’s inside jokes and hours spent on the phone together. It’s mixing uber-pink drinks on V-Day and then annihilating bad love songs at dive bars. It’s giving me the strength to end a bad relationship. It’s road trips and cross-country adventures and reunions that we make a priority despite crazy schedules and lives. It’s reminding me that I’m worth all of the love in the world and believing that I’ll write my own fabulous fairy tale when I don’t believe it for myself. It’s cheering me on throughout hard classes and finals and entire semesters of school. It’s random cards in the mail and Skype dates and silly texts that say that someone is thinking of me. It’s sitting with me in the courthouse when I’ve pressed charges after the attack. It’s bear hugs and Snuggie dances and nights spent finding the bottom of wine bottles while laughing until our stomachs hurt.  It’s helping each other to be genuine and real. It’s support for my unconventional relationship and happiness because I’ve found a profound love that I can call my own. It’s challenging each other to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. It’s reading this blog and encouraging me to follow my heart (and hopefully someday buying my books).

Today I celebrate everyone I love because I have an abundance of it in my life. I’m truly blessed and my journey would be profoundly different without the memories shared and lessons learned from my friends and family. February 14th is about the love I share with and have for them. Today I celebrate love in all forms. Today, I recapture Valentine’s Day.