Over lunch at the local sushi place, my friend grimaced as she poked at a part of her Boston roll. “I have to tell you something–but I shouldn’t.”
I put down a piece of tempura shrimp, sensors suddenly on high alert. “What?”
She shook her head. “I shouldn’t…no. I don’t want to make you sad.”
I rolled my eyes. “Please. You can’t make me sad. We have sushi! This is a happy place.”
She made a face. “Fine. You’re not going to like this but your ex was here. He isn’t anymore. But he was. He left, though.”
I pushed away my bento box, my mind flooded with the hurt from the past few months. I hadn’t seen or heard from my ex-boyfriend in nearly four months. We ended on bad terms when he decided to cut all communication with me while I held out hope for months that things would turn around. In the end I had to be the villain and send the “it’s over” email amid a flood of tears and a puddle of tissues surrounding my couch. I hadn’t heard from him since or even given him a lot of thought. Until that moment. My core filled with an ache that can only come from a lack of closure.
I spent the remainder of the meal and a good portion of the afternoon fighting feelings of hurt and anguish. I never got to properly say goodbye to him. I never got to show him how much he fucking hurt me. I never got to yell or scream profanities at him for the pain he put me through. I had to harbor all of that myself, with many evenings spent sobbing while scribbling in my journal. Today’s near-encounter taught me that I’m not completely over him yet. It’s still a bit fresh. It still hurts quite a bit.
It’s likely I’ll never get the closure I need from him. I’ll need to find a way to create that for myself. I’m not quite to that point yet. And while it hurts, I’m ok with that. Because I have a strong support system. I have friends who’ll help to protect me and hold me up when I’m feeling down. I have a lot of love in my life. And I have the self-assurance to know that I’m a damn good girlfriend and the one who got away, both from him and a shitty situation.
