An Open Letter

To the men in my life who have fucked me over:

You have messed me up. You have no idea, though you should. 

 To my Dad who walked out on my family not once but twice: it doesn’t hurt less the second time around. I now wonder if every man I care about will someday leave me for no apparent reason. I fear that and I know that the basis for this fear lies in the scene where I saw you walk out the front door, suitcase in hand as we watched you not look back. I was five and I couldn’t comprehend why. I don’t know now, over twenty years later if I still do. What I do know is that I can’t keep hurting from this family tragedy, even if the fear is still very real in my life. Sometimes I wonder if simply forgiving you will release me from this fear. While I doubt it, I’m willing to try.

To my first ex-boyfriend: I learned what love is from you. I also learned what love isn’t. It isn’t screaming fights that continue on into the early morning hours. It isn’t putting your own needs first. And it certainly isn’t harsh words and no support that over time escalate into bruises on my face and wrist. You’re a chapter in my life that I would like to forget, yet because of you I’m so much stronger than anyone you ever would deserve. You’ll never forget me; this much I know for sure.

To my second love: I’ve written to you before, but you should know that I worry that one day my partner will wake up and just want to end things because essentially that’s what happened with you. Your unwillingness to open up and communicate drove us apart. You told me that I made you feel love and loved and that you’d never felt this way about anyone before. Why the hell would you give up on it?

To all the near-dates, nearly-partners, near-misses and almost-kisses: I fell for you. Hard. Each of you. When I’m in, I’m in deep and that made it hurt all the worse when my crush on you didn’t work or you didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me past two or three dates. I hold no anger or hostility towards you as I’m sure you have lovely wives and lives now. Just know that at one point I thought you were the biggest stud on the planet and then later the lowest scum on the face of this green Earth.

I live with my heart wide open and my emotions worn proudly for all to see. You all must know that by now. You need to know you’ve impacted me–some more than others. (I can’t honestly remember how many guys I’ve kissed, but there is a highlights reel as well as some I’d like to forget.) While this can be a good thing (there are some great memories and I did learn a lot from you all), it can also be horrid. Like right now? It’s not so good because I find myself questioning myself and my future because of my track record. You. Hurt. Me. And quite frankly? I don’t want to get hurt that way again. My heart can’t stand to be shattered or even bruised one more time. It just can’t. I’ve learned that putting my trust in someone can lead to devastation. It’s not a fabulous lesson to learn.

Because of you all, though, I’ve also come to realize what a stunning and strong woman I can be. I now know I don’t need to play dating games or put up with petty excuses or immature behavior. And I won’t now because I experienced it all with the sum of you.  I’m terrified of being hurt again, but I know I have the power to triumph and to love unquestionably. And so I will, despite the feelings of insecurity due to life experiences and the hurtful things you’ve all done. I just hope I won’t have to add any other names to this letter. Because you’re a motley crew and your ranks are enough. Don’t go breaking any more hearts, ok?

Best,

Krissy

Completely and Utterly

It’s as if a switch is turned off inside of me lately.  I don’t know what it is, what triggered it, what the cause could be but I’m hating the symptoms. I’m not myself lately. I’m feeling unsure of myself, shaky, teary-eyed, tired and unclear.

I’m not even speaking correctly. Lately I’ve been practically stuttering over words, twisting my tongue or pausing in order to remember correct words and phrases. It’s like the verbal part of my brain has suddenly shut down completely. It’s frustrating because I’m usually so sure of myself, comfortable in my skin, laughing easily, spitting out thoughts and views so easily. Not lately though. I know this is just indicative of something bigger and deeper. I just don’t know what.

My confidence is completely shaken. I’m living in a completely grey area right now, unsure of everything. And it’s not just because my partner has relocated thousands of miles away. It’s much more than that. It’s uncertainty about my future and what I want and feeling helpless because of finances (and essentially having no car) as well as not feeling completely on top of my game job-wise. I’m doing the best I can in spite of extenuating circumstances but some days I just feel beaten down. Tonight I just bawled on the phone because I just don’t know what to do. Or how much more I can take. I know it’ll get better. Because it has to. Because I’m a warrior and I’ve survived much worse. But at the moment I feel completely and utterly helpless.

Fittingly, Coldplay’s “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall” is playing on my iTunes as I wrap up this entry. That’s what it seems like at times. It’s not the big things, it’s all of the little things that add up to something that feels utterly overwhelming.  It’ll get better; it just has to.  I just have to breathe, do the best I can and trust that things happen for a reason. And if none of that works, you may get a phone call from me asking you to grant me several moments to freak out. Because as a last resort that works. Let’s just hope that I don’t have to do that too often.

Not Myself

“Are you happy?”

“No. Not really.”

The simple question asked by not one but two friends today has been the hardest thing I’ve had to answer lately. Because, the truth is? I’m really not. I mean, there are moments and periods in the day when I’m giddy and inspired and excited. But then suddenly I’m just…not. And I’m not really sure why.

Honestly, there is a lot on my plate right now. I just restarted my job, I have a lot of prep for that and I’m ridiculously stressed out about my whole car situation. But I’ve dealt with more than this before and been fine, so why does it all feel like it’s come crashing down on me right now? Especially when I have so much good in my life?

I had an epiphany of sorts when I was walking to work. I realized that I may be sabotaging myself and my happiness because I let fear drive me. If I look at all of the factors stressing me out, fear is the common denominator in all of them.  Fear leads to stress which leads to me acting out in ways I don’t want to. It’s also begun to lead to some wicked stomach pains. I’m literally making myself sick right now. All because I fear the unknown, even though there isn’t a lot I can do about it. The catch-22 is that I have no idea what to do to let it go. I know I need to release it, otherwise this could consume me. Hell, I found myself tearing up today during training without any warning. That’s not healthy. I just don’t know what to do.

The fact of the matter is I’m not ok right now. Not entirely. I hate that this seems to be consuming me. I don’t want it to. I need to figure out how to just trust The Universe and those around me and then let things go. And do the best I can with the things I can control (like the ever-growing to-do list).  I’m just unsure of how to do that right now. I’m not myself right now. And while I’m not ok with that, I know deep down this is only a temporary thing. I just need to find the right keys to fixing it. And pray that those who love me will help me on this rocky part of my journey.

Let’s Hope So

 

I have to believe this because right now I’m feeling helpless, frustrated and sullen. For once I have no answers to a challenge and I don’t know what to do besides pray. And cry. I hate this feeling. I hope it dissipates quickly.