I’m going through an internal struggle about whether to (partially) air this grievance in such a public way, but I’m just going to say “fuck it”, blog what comes to mind, pray a bit, and hopefully gain a bit of clarity about this whole thing in the process.
I have one sister. One little sister. That’s it. Our mom came from a fairly large Finnish family and had many siblings, but for reasons only God will know, Mom’s own family turned out to be only a fraction of the size. Which wasn’t a bad thing, I don’t think. Honestly if I was a middle child or the second, third or second to last-born, I’d likely have gone crazy. And I wouldn’t be me. I have one sister. And I value and love her to bits.
That doesn’t mean, however, that we like each other. Or even get along.
We’ve been sisters for nearly twenty-seven years. I’d like to think that after nearly three decades of sharing the same genetics we’d figure out some ways to respect and honor each others’ existance. Unfortunately that’s not exactly the case.
It hasn’t always been the case. Yes, we fought like battling ninjas when we were teenagers. Teen girls tend to do that. But our relationship started to get better when I went off to college. We started talking to each other respectfully. We began to really hear each other. She even wrote me letters and cards on a weekly/bi-weekly basis because she missed me. It was really sweet. That connection continued throughout college and I helped her out whenever I could since I “knew the ropes”. The years that we shared on the same college campus were some of the closest for us and carried on until I moved downstate. Saying goodbye to her and watching her figure shrink in my rearview mirror was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. I cried my way through the UP.
Our relationship has since faded. At times it’s cordial, at times we can barely stand to be in the same room. Sometimes we’ll have amazing two hour-long phone conversations and they’re some of the best moments of my life because I truly care about her and what’s happening in her life. The sisterhood ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels really strong and then there are times when I want to rip her head off because she’ll act in a way that seems so mind-bogglingly selfish that I cannot even comprehend what the hell she’s thinking. And in turn she tells me that I’m over-dramatic and that I yell a lot.
Currently I don’t think she’s talking to me. I never really know with her. It seems like she gets pissed at me for reasons I can’t understand but then she won’t explain herself. I can’t win. I just want to be a part of her life. And I want her to be a part of mine. You know–like sisters should be. Personally, I’m jealous of anyone who’s close with their siblings because I. Don’t. Have. That. And it’s frustrating as all fuck.
I’m not trying to pretend I don’t play a part in this problem. I know I do. I just don’t know what to do or how to fix things if communication is at a standstill and I don’t know what I need to fix. I just want things to be better. I wish we were still as close as we were when we both lived in Marquette. Sadly, I don’t think that’s even possible. So perhaps what I need to do is mourn that period of our relationship because I don’t think it’ll ever be like that again, no matter how much I wish it be so.
I’ve been thinking a lot about weddings lately. I blame all the wedding porn on TLC, E and Pinterest. ANYway…I’ve always had a strong idea of what my bridesmaids lineup would look like and no matter what, my sister was slated to be the Maid of Honor. I have friends who are much closer to me than her, but it’s the right thing to do. Or so I’m told. But honestly with the way things are going between us I don’t know if I’ll even want her to be present at my future (and at this point pretend–don’t go reading into things, people) nuptials because of this rollercoaster we call a relationship. Hell, I don’t know that I’ll be asked to be a part of her bridal party. (She’s closer to the altar than me–I’ve predicted that she’ll be engaged by Valentine’s Day 2012.) Is this sad? Hell yes. But is it my reality? At the moment, yes. If she won’t even return a phone call because she assumes I’m going to “yell” at her–which I WON’T because I’ve gotten VERY GOOD at not yelling at people thanks to my job–the I can’t assume that our future as friends is anywhere near solid ground.
As I wrap this up, a song by Aqualung is playing on my iTunes. She introduced me to this great singer as well as The Fray and many other incredible bands and songs. We have so many memories associated with exact moments and phrases of songs. I miss that. I miss singing at the top of our lungs to songs and leaving each other silly voicemails. I don’t need our relationship to be perfect. I just need it to be functioning. Until that happens I’ll raise a glass to honor the fact that we’re sisters and remember the good times. Here’s to (hopefully) many more…
