The other day I was reading this article, about advice that this woman wants to give to teenagers. While I feel like the spirit of it comes from a place of caring and goodness, parts of it sounded hostile, judgmental and passive-aggressive (which is ironic since she talks about passive-aggressive behavior in her article). It did give me cause to pause for a long while to think about what she was saying and why I was left feeling a bit frustrated. It’s because although the message says “you are worthy”, leading up to that great message it sounds very cynical and judge-y–which is just what teenagers need to see role modeled in their formative years.
I appreciate the article, however, because it did help me to think about the advice I’d give, not just to teens but to women of all ages. I have a unique perspective since I’ve worked strictly with college women for the past three years and during that time I’ve become both more compassionate and more questioning about a lot of things because I’ve come into my own as a feminist. All of these things shape the advice I’d give to anyone, but especially to those females who are experiencing vulnerability in their lives. I may never have the chance to tell daughters this, but I wanted the world to know how I’d advise women of all ages.
- Societal standards suck and should not be the lens through which you view yourself and others. They are the reason why you feel like you hate your body and your hair and your curves. They are the reason you rarely see women who wear something other than a size 2 on television or in magazines. Don’t buy into these suffocating standards; recognize that beauty can come in any shade, size and sex. Don’t focus on what some may see as “hot” or “beautiful”; outer beauty fades. We live in a society that values youth and skinniness but you have to find it within yourself to rise above those oppressive standards and accept and love yourself no matter what. Please know, too, that because of these standards, society also is extremely judgmental of females and tries to tear women down, which leads to derogatory name calling and people who feel entitled to judge you. People may say you’re a “whore” or “slut” because you’ll want to explore your sexuality or call you a “bitch” if you decide use your voice or ask questions. Don’t let this stop you from doing those things. Focus on exploring who you are and let the negative influences flow over you. This will be hard to do, but know that every day women fight to do this and the planet is better off because of it.
- You have choices, you have a voice–choose wisely. Wear what you want but know that you have more choices than what may be initially presented. Be aware of why you feel like you need a pair of $200 jeans or a shirt that hugs your chest. Is it because you really want it or because you feel like you need to fit in? You have a choice and it doesn’t need to be the skirt every other girl in your class has if you don’t want it to be. Also recognize that society expects you to wear skin-tight clothes and makeup for a reason. You don’t need to do buy into that, but if you choose to wear those things because it makes you happy, then do so with pride and don’t let anyone get you down for the choices you make.
- Know where you’re spending your time. Try not to waste your time worrying about if you need to lose three pounds or if your hair is shiny enough. Most of your insecurity comes from external forces that bank on you buying products to make yourself feel better. Instead of wasting your time worrying about superficial things, do something that makes you happy, whether that’s running cross country, designing jewelry, playing the drums, writing poetry, reading Jane Austin or doing physics equations. Cultivate your passions and spend time devoted to your hobbies. Also spend time making memories with your friends. Doing these things are so much better than wasting time looking in the mirror wishing you fit into a smaller size.
- Follow your heart–but take inventory of what your body, soul and mind are telling you as well. Know yourself well enough to know if your gut is twisting for a reason. Know the reasons why your heart is telling you to take Path A over Path B. Know what makes you happy. Cultivate a relationship with yourself and trust that your senses and intuition will help you make the right choices. Because they will.
- Don’t tear other women down–it only erodes the sisterhood. We need to stop judging one another. We need to stop calling each other soul-sucking names like “whore”, “bitch” and “skank”. We need to stop tearing each other down and instead recognize that we can build a supportive sisterhood together. We need to work to build each other up. Life is hard enough as it is. The world doesn’t need more cynicism, judgement and negativity. What it needs is women who are happy with themselves as they are and women who want to extend their hands to help one another. Be a positive force in your own life and in the lives of others. Do good. Feel good. And rock the world, woman.
- (Bonus advice) Surround yourself with support. It’s not easy being a woman, in case you couldn’t tell. We can’t do this alone, so find a sounding board where you feel safe venting, emoting and processing. Find friends you can let loose with, mentors you can turn to for advice and people who can be a support system through the good and the bad. There’s a lot of love in the world, you just have to be open to finding it. So many people care about you and so many are feeling exactly like you. Find those people, hang on to them, thank them often and then be that person for another. Like they say in High School Musical “we’re all in this together.”
