Holly and me at my favorite karaoke bar. My favorite part of this picture is how I look like I'm about to eat my mic. Nom nom!
It is no secret that I love karaokeing. I was hooked from the first time a crappy little monitor and stereo was set up in the lobby of my residence hall and the silly Res-Life staff allowed my friends and I to belt out boy band songs. For four minutes I was in the spotlight, singing my heart out and loving every second of it. The love affair grew when I turned 21 and soon thereafter discovered Flanigans, the local karaoke bar, complete with cheap beer, shady-looking locals and all the 80s songs anyone could care to sing. My friends and I spent nearly every weekend there, belting out favorite songs and choreographing back-up dances to each others’ solos. Flani’s is one of the places I love most in life because of the memories and the karaoke.
Whenever I return to Marquette I make it my Goal in Life to return to my favorite little dive bar. This year is no different, but with a twist. I’ll be bringing my wonderful boyfriend with me…but I am a bit nervous. He is a music connoisseur in every sense of the word, so he is especially stoked to go to my little karaoke bar to belt out some of his favorite tunes. Some of these songs, however? Are against The Golden Karaoke Rules (trademark pending).
The GKRs, as my friends and I refer to them, were created during the many nights we spent at the bar, listening to others sing while we (in)patiently waited to steal the spotlight. We noticed some patterns with the patrons and their song choices and after having our ears nearly bleed several dozen times, we created The Golden Karaoke Rules.
- NO SLOW SONGS. Seriously, they’re boring and depressing as fuck when all we all want to do is have a good time, dammit.
- No epic ballads. Is your name Mariah or Whitney? Do you have a Grammy or five? No? Then don’t try to belt out one of their songs because seriously you’ll just make our ears hurt.
- DO. NOT. SING. “PICTURE”. You know that duet by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow? And how it’s all slow and depressing? Don’t sing it. Seriously, you don’t have the range and you’ll get a lot of groans from the audience because that female part is a LOT pitchier than you may think. So honey? Don’t try. No.
- There is strength in numbers. You may sound off-key. But if there are five of you up there singing “I Touch Myself” it’s no longer an issue of being off-key as much as it’s an instant party!
- Throw-backs are awesome! Singing a song from your childhood is a great way to get the crowd excited. Singing some random deep track from an obscure singer who was famous before 1980 however? A good way to elicit some boo-ing (mostly from me).
My friends and I think that these are simple rules and very user-friendly. Some people disagree, unfortunately. (The number of times I’ve heard “Picture” attests to the fact that we need to spread the word about the GKRs faster.) So to help these people (and my boyfriend who loves a good obscure 70s song more than anyone I know), I created a quick reference quiz.
- Is the song slow to mid-tempo?
- Is the song from the 1970s or before?
- Would the song be considered cheesy to the majority of the people in the bar?
- Is the song by an artist who is either practically unheard of or a one-hit wonder?
If the answer to two or more of these questions is “yes” then choose another song. For the sake of humanity. Because we all just want to have a good time. And sing along.
